Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

This 12 months’s Video For Good nominees additionally embrace:

Anderson .Paak—Lockdown  (Black Lives Matter)

Demi Lovato—I Love Me  (Self-acceptance)

H.E.R.—I Can’t Breathe  (Black Lives Matter)

Taylor Swift—The Man  (Sexism)

My music video on squirrel security, Child, Verify That Security Harness Earlier than You Leap, didn’t make the minimize. Try to choreograph these little monsters right into a conga line and also you’ll know why.

And now, our characteristic presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Observe: Breaking information at this hour. Native authorities inform Information Middle that the little piggy who went wee wee wee all the way in which dwelling has been arrested on costs of public urination. Movie at 11.

By the Numbers:

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Absentee ballots begin going out in 30 days in NC.

Days ’til September 4th, when North Carolina turns into the primary state to begin early voting for the 2020 common election: 30

Date on which the Home Oversight and Reform Committee will haul Postmaster Schmuckety McSchmuckface in to elucidate why he is attempting to sabotage the 2020 election: 9/17/20

Quantity of the $10 billion allotted final spring to shore up the Postal Service that has been spent: $0

% of People polled by Gallup who imagine crime goes up, though it is happening: 64%

Peak warmth of the Endeavor capsule exterior because it reentered the earth’s environment Sunday and returned Doug Hurley and Bob Behnken from the Area Station: 3,500F

Lifetime manufacturing of honey by a employee bee: 1/12th teaspoon

Shelf lifetime of a fast-food ketchup packet: 6 months

Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (together with 5 plagues and 1 Jerry Falwell, Jr. groping a young woman not his wife…with his pants unzipped).  Soul Safety Issue 30 lotion is advisable should you’ll be strolling amongst the heathen at this time.

Pet Pic of the Day: “…until it all went horribly, horribly wrong.”

CHEERS to exercising your sacred civic responsibility. Voters turned out to forged ballots in a seize bag of primaries and an enormous poll query in a handful of states yesterday. Let’s ship it all the way down to the elections blockquote and see what contemporary heaven or hell the voters hath wrought:

Michigan I suppose there was some concern that her challenger may win, however incumbent Rep. Rashida Tlaib handily gained her reelection main in MI-13.

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As of January, you’ll be able to name her Congresswoman Cori.

Missouri One other passenger hops on the Obamacare Medicaid Categorical, as voters within the Present Me State approve increasing the beloved federal program, thus extending well being care advantages to roughly 400,000 residents. Republican leaders and pundits, naturally, hate it. Oh, and the Home will quickly have a brand new addition to The Squad: progressive Cori Bush pulled an upset over 10-term incumbent Lacy Clay of the 50-year Clay dynasty in MO-01.

Washington I dunno what occurred there. Due to the time distinction between coasts, we gained’t get phrase that their polls closed till subsequent Sunday. However I can assure you that Granny Smith gained her congressional seat representing Apple Orchard County for a 76th time period with, as normal, 100 % of the vote.

Arizona It is too scorching to consider Arizona. Let’s simply assume the folks we needed to win gained so we are able to transfer on and I is usually a few seconds nearer to strolling over to CVS and sticking my head within the ice cream freezer. Okay, possibly one fast one: Mumbai, India-born Dr. Hiral Tipirneni gained in AZ-06.

Kansas Voter Suppression specialist and all-around moral nightmare Kris Kobach misplaced his bid to hitch Jerry Moran as a Republican MAGA cultist within the U.S. Senate. Kobach has now misplaced races for governor, congressman, and senator, leaving him with just about one political choice left: sitting in his lounge barcalounger with a beer between his knees whereas scratching himself and yelling at Fox Information.

So these are the most important winners at this level, and you’ll see all the outcomes through the Daily Kos Election Team’s live coverage here. As for final evening’s greatest loser, I believe the reply’s apparent: Mrs. Kobach.

CHEERS to the lengthy  arm of…THE LAW.  Now that the Supreme Court docket—together with Kavanaugh and Gorsuch, who have been alleged to act as human POTUS shields—has dominated that the president cannot hold his tax returns and monetary paperwork secret, the Manhattan DA is leaping into motion. He is aware of he is obtained the products on that lowdown, soiled Trump empire (together with his denture-ridden youngsters), and there is a grand jury simply ready to dive in and dole out justice for extensive and protracted criminal conduct” that features insurance coverage and financial institution fraud:

Manhattan District Legal professional Cyrus Vance…famous within the courtroom papers that when the subpoena was issued final August, there have been “public allegations of attainable legal exercise” on the Trump Group courting again a decade. He stated public experiences present a foundation for every class and timeframe of paperwork sought from Trump’s accounting agency, Mazars USA. […]

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Cyrus Vance, Jr. is to not be f*cked with, we hear.

He additionally cited experiences of questionable monetary statements by Trump, reminiscent of when he claimed 55 zoned tons prepared on the market at his golf course in Southern California when there have been solely 31; a 2,000 acre Virginia winery that’s actually only one,200 acres, and 68 tales at his Trump Tower, 10 larger than the Manhattan property. […]

Vance introduced in a high-profile lawyer to help with the case: Former performing solicitor common Walter Dellinger, onetime head of the Division of Justice’s Workplace of Authorized Counsel.

Additional candy: Donald Trump is about to be taken down by the son of the Secretary of State appointed by President Jimmy Carter. I’ve one want for 2021: that #39 stays wholesome and remains to be round to listen to the press of {the handcuffs}.

CHEERS to the joys of victory.  On August 5, 1923, Henry Sullivan turned the primary American to swim throughout the English Channel.  In accordance with witnesses, the feat occurred moments after somebody put a plate of haggis in entrance of him.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to the wilting season. How scorching was July right here in Portland, Maine? Hotter than Devin Nunes’ dendrites when he is attempting to recollect how one can tie his footwear. Hotter’n a blister bug in a pepper patch. Hotter than a toaster inside a microwave inside a convection oven dangling over Mount Doom by Devin Nunes’ dendrites when he is attempting to recollect how one can tie his footwear. This hot:

July—the most well liked month on report in Portlandbought out air conditioners, despatched Mainers and guests flocking to the seashores, and sparked concern about residents with well being situations inclined to warmth.

Bengal Tigre on the beach...owning the beach!
One other signal of worldwide warming in Maine: extra tigers are washing up on our seashores.

Portland averaged 73.7 levels Fahrenheit through the month, 4.6 levels above regular and 0.6 levels above July 2019, the earlier hottest month, in line with the Nationwide Climate Service.

This July was “really the warmest month that we’ve had on report,” stated Chris Legro, a forecaster with the climate service workplace in Grey. Temperature information have been saved in Portland since November 1940.

On the brilliant aspect, we’re just some years away from with the ability to native supply all the elements for coconut cream pie. And that is good eatin’.

JEERS to silly white males.  Let this be a cautionary story on how unbiased investigations may be abused for partisan achieve, versus straight-down-the-middle just like the Mueller investigation was. Twenty-five years in the past at this time, on August 5, 1994, Kenneth Starr, solicitor common beneath President George H.W. Bush and Republican hatchet man, was named as unbiased prosecutor investigating Whitewater.  His remaining report stated just about nothing about that non-scandal.  Nevertheless it did point out the phrase…

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…over 500 occasions.  Even Larry Flynt was like, “Whoa. Kenny. Dude. Get some assist.”

Ten years in the past in C&J: August 5, 2010

CHEERS to August 5, 2010.  On that auspicious day within the Yr of Our Flying Spaghetti Monster 2010, historical past was carved into America’s soul the way in which the Ten Commandments (or, because the GOP calls them, “recommendations”) have been carved into strong rock by livid lightning, the Republic’s beating coronary heart as soon as once more rejuvenated by the defibrillator paddles of progress, Liberty’s beacon shining like an enormous, throbbing energy-efficient-yet-still-aesthetically-pleasing floodlight of freedom, a revolt towards the established order having efficiently raged right into a bonfire that BURNED THE BRUSH OF TYRANNY TO ASHES FROM WHICH THE GREEN SPROUTS OF JUDICIAL DESTINY NOW SPROING!!!!!!

[Ahem.]

Kagan’s in.  I predict her first phrases to Sonia Sotomayor can be: “Jeff Classes: massive jerk…or greatest jerk ever?”  (The reply gained’t shock you.)

And only one extra…

CHEERS to my August 5 birthday posse.  Neil Armstrong.  Lizz Winstead.  Director John Huston.  Loni Anderson.  Maureen “Marcia Marcia Marcia!” McCormick.  Patrick Ewing.  The Elephant Man.  Kossacks “Easy,” “dmb0857,” “stlsophos” and “LeoDaLion.” And if I’ll suggest a thoughts puzzle: Barack Obama was born at 7:30pm Hawaii time on August 4th, which might make it 1:30am August fifth japanese time…so I say he and I validly share the identical birthday and he joins our posse.  

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Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio circa 1964. I can nonetheless odor the Schlitz and unfiltered Camels from the supply room.

It’ll be the standard routine for us at this time: we’ll swarm Denny’s for our birthday low cost (56% for me, so I’ll order a Bacon Slam, a Sausage Slam, a Ham Slam, a French Slam, A Wham Bam Thank You Slam, a Slam Slam combining all of the Slams, a Lipitor chaser, and a Eating regimen Pepsi), after which spend the day stealing from the wealthy and giving to the poor.  And since then the poor can be wealthy and the wealthy can be poor, we’ll do the entire thing over once more in reverse.

Then we’ll simply kinda go freestyle, marauding for awhile after which soaking our toes throughout Jeopardy!  earlier than we head again out to play just a few rounds of “Shut up, you youngsters, or we’re calling the cops!”  So, mainly, simply an peculiar day ending in y—however possibly with cake.

Have a cheerful humpday. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at this time?

At present’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“Historical past, when taught nicely, exhibits us how one can enhance Cheers and Jeers, however historical past, when taught poorly, falsely claims there may be nothing within the kiddie pool to enhance. So now we have to show it nicely and proceed to splash in it.”

John Oliver